Naruto: When Authors Attack
by Aventri
Summary: Do you enjoy a good Naruto story? Are you tired of skipping over cliche stories? Ever want to laugh at a story that wasn't trying to be funny? Well come on in. Today we're making fun of all the stories that make you sigh.
1. Adventures in Agony

**Disclaimer:** Yadda yadda yadda don't own Naruto

**A.N.:** So I'm browsing through the story listings, and every once in a while something will catch my eye: a good plot, or a unique pairing, or a catchy synopsis. And after I'm drawn in, after I'm ready to read what I hope to find is an amazing story, I find out the author's dirty little secret. Oh it's an AU POV Mary Sue Song-fic, but it just didn't list it. Grrr. So I made this story, and it's pretty much a rant of all the cliche OOCism, randomness, and bad writing that I could think of. Oh and I could write more, but it was getting long as it is. If you've ever read a story that made you think, "Oh man, what is this author doing? Do they hate Naruto? Is that why they're writing this way?" This story is for you. Let's commiserate together.

* * *

Long ago in the newly formed village known as Konoha tragedy struck...

It was a time of hardships and grief as the village suffered under a horrible demon that plagued the lands. The demon, who was only called by the number of tails he had was a cruel oppressor to all lands and all villages. Even with that being said, the village he enjoyed tormenting the most was Konoha. It is believed the reason he did this was because their fire based jutsus tickled him, but that's largely based on tabloid rumor.

It was the job of village guardian, the second Hokage, to protect and eventually destroy this monster, though the task was seemingly impossible. In the end he decided that the only way to one day defeat the monster was to use the strategy of divide it and then conquer it. After years of slaving away at devising a technique that could do such a thing, the village was on the brink of devastation, but they had found a way to be saved. In the end, it was a not so notable day in December amid the freshly fallen snow that the Hokage dealt and defeated the Fifty Five tailed demon, splitting it into ten different demons, each with a different number of tails.

While most of the demons ran to the different ends of the continent, each licking their wounds from being split apart, the ten-tailed demon stayed in the village to seek revenge.

Without a second thought, the Hokage and his anbu crew each placed their strongest seals on the demon, encasing the powerful evil spirit in a small gem. In fear that the gem could be stolen, or broken, or even dropped off the titanic by a sentimental elderly lady, the council of Konoha agreed that the gem should be swallowed by a person so as to hide it. Unfortunately, all volunteers of this agreement were turned away because the greed of the power was apparent in all of their eyes.

It was the Hokage himself who snuck the gem away on Christmas Eve night and fed it to an unknown child at the local orphanage. This way, the gem would be hidden from the world and hopefully, when the person died, the gem would go to the grave with the body.

It really was an ingenious plan, except that little did he know, that orphan girl he fed the gem to was none other than Mary, the last of the Sue clan, and it was her goal to one day become Hokage!

Incidentally, this story is not about her.

Our story actually takes place in winter also, but has absolutely nothing to do with the intro. Why it was even mentioned, I can't say.

And so, our story begins...

* * *

Like orange lightning, Naruto sprinted down the streets of Konoha, determined to be the first customer of the day for the Ichiraku Ramen shop. The crunch of snow could be heard under the sandals of his feet, and even though the stinging cold of weather nipped at his exposed feet, there was only the thought of Ramen on his mind. Well maybe Sakura too, or even Sasuke if you're into that kind of story, but mainly it was just the Ramen.

Oh the Ramen. With the long slender noodles freshly made, rolled, cut and cooked; Naruto could just imagine all of the love and tenderness that was boiled into every bite by the Ramen shop owner. He was sure that today would be the day that he would have TEN bowls of ramen, and there was significance to that number. Not because it was also the number of tails the demon inside Mary had, but because Naruto usually got full on nine bowls. Like I said before, this story has nothing to do with the tale of the Ten-tailed demon turtle.

Oh? I never mentioned that the demon from before was a turtle? Well it was. How can a turtle have ten tails you ask? Well it can if you think of ... never mind - back to the story.

Turning the final corner, Naruto skids along the iced-over side walk and slides right into Sasuke. The impact from the collision causes both boys to topple over until they're on the ground together. Naruto recovers slowly from the fall, rubbing gently at the side of his head where it hit the ground. It's a few moments later when he realizes that he's sitting across the lap of a dazed Sasuke.

"Oi! Teme! Are you okay?"

He leans in close to inspect the fallen Uchiha, and notices the twinkle of a tear in his eye. Could this be that the sadness of his family's slaughter that is finally let out? Could it be the sorrow in his heart from all those years of being alone that now hangs at the corner of his eyes? Or could it just be that Naruto knocked him to the ground really hard and it hurt? All of these things are unsaid in the angst that is Sasuke's life.

They're unsaid, of course, until the number one most unpredictable ninja asks.

"Oi! Are you crying?"

"NO! A bit of snow fell on my face. Now could you get off? I can't just lay here all day."

"Neither can I as a matter of fact! I've gotta run and get my ramen!"

Without an extra word wasted, Naruto is up off of Sasuke's body and running down the street. Naruto doesn't waste a second breath on Sasuke as Ramen once again dominates the realm of his thoughts.

* * *

Somewhere, on the other side of Konoha, Shino does something with his bugs. Any and all girls around him become a bit queasy at the sight.

* * *

There's a spark, two sparks, and finally fire as Shikamaru plays with Asuma's old lighter. He watches the flame dance to and fro according to the winds manipulation and smiles; for a genius he's surprisingly always been amused by simple things.

(Random Change to POV Fic)  
The fire is mesmerizing. I like it's lively warmth burning against the sea of cold white snow swirling around it. With this lighter, I could burn down the whole world...

He pulls in another breath full of air through the cigarette hanging on his lips. The stuffy burn fills his chest, filling his mouth and lungs. Without pulling the cigarette out of him mouth, he blows a sharp burst of smoke through partially parted lips. The smell of his new found hobby wafts through the air, which carries the scent to a nearby languid teammate.

The overly audible cough she makes is her way of showing her contempt for his actions without words. She coughs again for good measure when her first volley of disapproval is either ignored or unheard.

"Did you need something?"

"I NEED you to stop smoking; it makes you smell horrible, and it makes me smell horrible too after I'm done hanging out with you. Why do you keep smoking anyways?"

"Look everyone has their bad habits and this is mine. Besides it's something to do and keeps my mind busy from over thinking."

"You know, I... I could keep you busy, right?"

The message she sent couldn't have been more clear. The offer was there as plain as day as she embarrassedly awaits Shikamaru's answer. The cigarette that was a relief from his overbearing thoughts falls from his slack mouth as he blinks heavily, as if his eyes are swallowing the sight of her.

* * *

His tongue twirls around, and he's deep into the pleasure of it now. The smooth texture of ecstacy is only overcome but the heavenly taste of the sweet wetness. There is a desire by him to take more and more into his mouth, but first he knows he has to ingest the delight currently filling him. His eyes roll up in gratitude of moment, has there ever been anything in the world quite like this? Sure he's thought his past encounters were good, but could anything compare to how he feels now?

It's so hot that he can feel the steam collect on his brow and he wonders if she thinks his enjoyment is bordering on obscene. His hands hold tightly to the smooth platter before him as he again buries his head in the bowl. After another endeavor into pure bliss, and before he can dive down again, he looks up to waitress.

"This Ramen is sooooo good."

* * *

Compact snow flies through the air to assail him, but is quickly stopped short by the sand that unwittingly protects him. His laborious sigh is as long as it is deep; he supposed he'd never be like a normal kid.

It didn't help that he came from the prestigious family of the most recent Kazekage, and what complicated it more was the fact that he had a one tailed demon inside of him. All he wanted was to be average now that Naruto had shown him the error of his ways. But the truth of the matter was that he wasn't average. Gaara of the Desert was far from the typical teenager.

There was many things in life that had been forced on him. Things that made him feel like his path in life was already chosen. He was set apart from everyone else growing up, he was different and he didn't like it.

Snowballs fly in from multiple directions all at once, and without flinching, without dodging, none of the projectiles find their way to the target. Again he sighs.

No one accepts him, no one even wants to talk to him. The reality is that he doesn't have much in common with most people. Heck, he doesn't even fit in with the emo crowd because he can't cut himself.

The living sand he once called his mother now fights back against all the people that threw snowballs. Gaara can hear the whistle of the sands' attack in all directions.

After a light smack is heard in the distance behind him, he hears the shouts of Kiba's complaint.

"Hey, no sand balls!"

And again he sighs.

* * *

**Added AN** If I write another chapter, expect me to make fun of stories that pair everyone up like it's a friggen dating show. I'll tease high school AUs, crossovers, crack-pairings, blatent OOCism, and more. Don't get me wrong, I like some of those stories from time to time... when they're written well...


	2. I Make Real Authors Cry

**Disclaimer:** Don't own Naruto. Aren't you glad?

**AN:** Ha ha ha ha! I couldn't believe the reaction I got from the first chapter. I could have sworn I was going to get flamed right off Fan Fiction of for writing one of the most inadvertant yet obvious critiques of some of the more uncultivated fanfiction writing. What's more, I got feedback saying you liked it. I guess I'll never understand, heh. On the agenda today to make fun of we have the following...

* * *

It was nearing the end of the match and Team Gryffindor was in a sad state of affairs. The score was especially dismal at a mere 20 to Team Slytherin's dominant 160 lead. As the team captain, Harry Potter was feeling entirely useless. The golden snitch had remained hidden for the entire game, which meant that all he could do was watch his teams impending defeat. From up high on his broomstick, he looked on as the other teams beaters used pinpoint accuracy to aim the bludgers at the Gryffendor's keeper. The result was a barely conscience boy who looked like he could fall right out of the sky at any moment. 

Then, with the clock winding down, he saw it. Like lightening with a mind of it's own, the golden snitch buzzed by his head; Harry even felt the wings of the small thing beat down on his ear as it darted by. Without any delay he was off, chasing the elusive object.

One hand kept the broom steady as the other stretched out, reaching towards the snitch. Through the roar of cheering in the crowd, he could hear the count down:

"Seven, Six, Five."

If it was just a bit closer, if only there was more time, if only he had crazy long arms like those of a circus freak; all of the usual thoughts went through Harry's mind as the doom of losing drew near.

"Four!"

As the tips of his fingers closed around the golden orb, a strong ramming from his left side, knocked him slightly off balance and caused him to grab only the open air. With a scowl, he looked left only to see a Slytherin chaser holding the quaffle while sporting the usual evil grin custom to the members of his house.

"Three!!!"

It was at that moment that Harry realized just where he'd been chasing the snitch to; directly in front of him was his own teams goal hoop.

"Two!!!1!!1!"

But it was different this time, for some reason, a bright light emanated from the center of the hoop and spread outwards. But none of that mattered now, he didn't have any time left, he'd need to fly faster to grab the snitch before the chaser scored the goal. If he grabbed it afterwards it would result in a tie, if he didn't grab it at all, then time would run out and Gryffendor would lose. He'd need to grab the snitch in the next second or it was all over...

"ONE!!!1!!one!!"

Harry's hand scooped up the snitch right out of the air, just before the quaffle flew through the ring, right before time ran out, and just as he ran headlong into the light floating in his own goal.

Moments later, when he found it odd that the voices of the crowd where non-existent, he looked around to find out he was no longer in the quidditch stadium. As he floated to the ground he saw a mysterious stranger dressed mainly in red, with white hair and that person was INUYASH-click-

Neji sat unimpressed by his babysitters choice of distraction. He'd turned the TV off in utter disgust of what passes for entertainment by Hollywood's standards. Looking behind him on the couch, Tenten was fast asleep with a three year old Rock Lee using his female teammate's leg as a pillow.

Determined to give Tenten a piece of his mind, he used her legs like a jungle gym, and climbed up on the couch. Neji moved quietly and made sure not to step on Lee's hair, lest he wake the boy up. If Rock Lee had extra energy as a teenager, then he was an inexhaustible battery as a child. Rousing the round-eyed boy was the last thing Neji wanted to do.

Neji stood with each foot on Tenten's thighs, grabbed fistfuls of the material of her shirt around the shoulder and proceeded to try to shake her into waking up.

"Wake up! Don't you know that Cross-over shows like that suck?! Why would you ever torture me into watching that?! I thought you had a crush on me, and this is what you put me through?!?

Tenten didn't even stir.

Neji sighed and climbed back down off the couch. There really was nothing to do, and so after picking up the remote control again, he turned the TV back on...

"Growing up again is going to suck."

* * *

He swallowed hard, and wiped away the sweat beading up on his forehead. He just couldn't believe this was happening. He was only 13 years old and he was going to experience something sinfully new today. 

"Go ahead," she coaxed, "you can touch it."

Inside of his head, prayers and praises to God were on loop. This was by far going to be one of the most memorable days in his life. His hands stretched out towards the round, pale mound. Under the delicate touch of his fingers, he experienced heaven. He began to slowly kneed the soft mass, massaging it as much as he dared under her watchful supervision.

Unconsciously, his head lowered, and his mouth gapped open and he fully intended on pulling it all into his mouth to taste.

"No, no." she reminded him. "It's not time for that yet. You have to be patient."

"I don't want to be patient, I want it. I want it so badly! Can't you let me have it now?"

She thought his eagerness was cute if not flattering, but that didn't change the fact that she couldn't allow him to do as he pleased.

"I told you that I'd let you play since no one was around, but for now you're time is up." Her playful smile was soaked with mischievousness. "After I finish working the dough, then I'll cook it, then you can have more Ramen. Okay?"

Naruto was downtrodden, today was the first day in his life that he was able to be apart of the entire process of making ramen. Not only that be he was able to touch the dough before it was cooked. All he wanted was to see if it tasted just as good now as it did after it was cooked. But even though all of his dreams didn't come true today, he was still able to take the memory of it's texture with him. His hands still had the phantom memory of cupping the soft mound.

Naruto silently wondered if there was anything comparable in the world to that lovely delight he felt today...

* * *

Something evil was happening; she could feel it in her bones. Around the village there was talk of a horrible terror that was on the verge of being unleashed. The rumor was that an evil demon would get it's revenge, and she was the only one powerful enough to stop it. She would only need to get down with the next few meetings before she could tackle the problem. 

The jab of an elbow from her right, was the soft wake up call that let her know she was next. She politely accepted the gesture and pulled herself from day dreaming and stood up from her undersized chair. In front of near 30 other people all sitting in a large circle, the Hokage stood up, and cleared her throat.

"Ahem. My name is Tsunade. And I'm an alcoholic."

* * *

Why he'd been put on a mission with Kiba, Gaara couldn't understand. He couldn't be more opposite from the boy from the Inuzuka clan, and now their fates were tied together. The mission was clear, find out whatever you could about turtles, and report back with a five page paper, college rule, and single spaced. Points would be taken off for spelling and grammar mistakes. 

While Gaara wanted nothing more than to hurry up and get working on the mission, Kiba was busy taking Akamaru for a walk. After the walk Kiba mentioned that he'd be dedicated to making a yellow snowman, but however that was possible the ninja from Konoha didn't say.

"Why turtles?" Gaara pondered the teenage non-mutant ninja. "Are they going to be used by the Hokage for medicinal purposes? Will it be given to Chouji to make a delicious soup? Is Gai-sensei's animal summon looking for a companion to keep warm with during this harsh winter? Why am I pondering out loud? What's wrong with my inner monologue? HOW LONG HAVE I BEEN ASKING MYSELF QUESTIONS OUTLOUD?!?"

The passersby that walked the busy market street were already giving the boy his space because of his lack of eyebrows, because it's common knowledge that only bad guys don't have eye brows in the Naruto universe. Now he was totally making a scene, and possibly a bad reference to an Austin Powers joke. Who even likes that movie anyways? Okay I'll admit, I liked that movie.

Gaara watches the people as they walk around and generally stay away him as if he hadn't showered in a month, and sighs heavily.

* * *

**Added AN:** Cross-overs, Chibis, OOC-ness, and Randomness, you have all been warned. The reviewers and PMer can decide what's next on the plate for parody. Just let me know. Also, for those of you who might be wondering, yes, there is a plot, but just like so many bad stories out there, it's hard to find, hahahaha. 


	3. JK Rowling Won't Accept My Phone Calls

He was holding heaven again. This time, he had two generous lumps of dough, one in each hand. It was near closing time, and the waitress had allowed him the unused leftover. Each hand of his felt, stroked, and even lightly squeezed the two lumps to his hearts content. Sadly, it was going to end, because little did Naruto know, tonight was a full moon. 

The rippled image of the moon shone as a reflection in the left over broth of ramen bowl, and when he realized it, his enjoyment of the dough stopped.

"I, um, I gotta go."

"But Naruto, I have so much more to show you. So much more you can play with..."

It was a tempting invitation, and Naruto didn't even understand the half of it. But he knew he didn't have time to goof off, it was a full moon, and there was another side of him that always found it's way out during this time of the month. It was a dark secret that few people knew of - Naruto's other half. He needed to leave now before anyone saw him change into a form of pure barbaric rage and anger.

"Really I'm sorry, I wish I could, but I'm um... late for something."

"But!"

Before she could say another word, the blonde ninja was off running like Forrest Gump. His apartment was too far away; he's needed a place to be alone. He needed a place to hide. And after all of the ramen he ate, he needed to pee. But that was secondary to the changes he could feel already taking place inside of him. Another type of chakra was burning in his chest, a completely different beast.

_It_ was coming out.

Quickly, he rushed down an alleyway to conceal himself from the sight of people taking a late night stroll. He was too ashamed of the changes to warn the people what was going to happen. All he could do was hope and pray for their safety.

A light from the back of a building threw his shadow against a wall, and the changes in his shape were morphing the silhouette.

Moments later stepped the ever powerful, ever angry, ever-changed ninja glowing with chakra.

"Beware Konaha... Uzumaki Naruko is here!"

---Que intro credits---

* * *

**A.N.** So I decided to throw my main author's note right in the middle of the friggen chapter. At first, I just wanted it to be a mockery of people who write a funny line, and then write their own comments about how funny they think it is. This is about as dumb as laughing at your own jokes. "Yes, I know you think it's funny. You don't have to tell me directly; when you do you break the pace of the story and guess what? It becomes unfunny." But now that I think about it, if I put my Author Note right in the middle of a story, maybe people might actually read it...heh 

Well I'm starting to get the suggestions of what to make fun of now. I'm sorry to say that I can't put them all in one chapter, because then it'll become too long, and no one wants that. But don't you worry, if you suggested it, it'll probably end up in here at one point or another.

Okay I've got a lot on my plate, so I'll be getting back to writing now.

**Disclaimer:** While I don't write this bad normally, don't expect anything brilliant. Oh, and I don't own Naruto.

* * *

"I hate you." 

The steam from the shower fills the bathroom and clouds the image in the mirror that Sasuke stares into. The reflection he sees should be his own, but in his mind he's looking into the eyes of the one who killed his family. His entire family. And his cat.

"Bastard! I loved that cat!"

It's all in his imagination, but Sasuke is watching Itachi watching him, and he can't help but feel vulnerable since he's only wearing a towel. He watches his brother looking at him up and down, checking out his figure, and Sasuke moves the puppet in the mirror to mouth the words _'You're so hot.'_

"Pervert! I'm your brother! You shouldn't think that way about me!"

Mirror Itachi isn't fazed by his itouto's chiding. Mirror Itachi only wants one thing, and he isn't afraid to say that he's looking at it right now. Again Sasuke moves the reflection to speak. _'Don't you know that I killed our entire family so I could be alone with you?'_

Sure, it's twisted, but Sasuke can't help but blush at his brother's confession. And so he spends the rest of the morning, fixing his always, and ever so flawless hair. It goes without saying that he'll have to kill his older brother, but damn it, he's going to do it with perfectly spiked hair. Hair that'll make his brother want him all the more.

As a handful of styling gel splashes into his hand, he frowns at his brother before wiping the condensation off the mirror.

"I really, really loved that cat!"

* * *

Tsunade had to hurry. There were matters of ultimate importance that required her attention. She was the Hokage after all; there were things that only she could do. She quietly feels bad for causing the Alcoholics Anonymous meeting to run late, but it couldn't be helped. Today was step eight, where you make a list of all the transgressions made. Tsunade had been drinking for a long time of her life, and needless to say, it took a while to complete the list.

She was honestly ready to get back to her job, but there were just a couple more things to take care of. As she walked through the building her AA meeting was in, she abruptly burst through one of the doors on her left. As the circle of people seated in little plastic chairs looked up to her, she felt the need to introduce herself formally.

"Hello, my name is Tsunade. And I have a gambling problem."

Her next meeting had now officially started.

* * *

"Hey." 

It was his quiet, cool voice that stopped her. Wearing his long coat and sleek sunglasses at night was the pure sign of a rebel, and as we all know, girls dig rebels.

"Wanna see something cool?"

She was getting a little nervous as she stepped closer. What was he going to do? Did he have watches lining the inside of his coat? Was he naked under there? Was he a flasher? Either way, the eighty year-old village elder wanted to see. She could use a new watch.

As she peered closer, she saw a stray, red-dotted bug come down from the sky and land on the boy's ear. Before she could swat it away or even warn the boy, the bug crawled right into his ear. She could feel the waves of queasiness wash over her, and for a moment she swore she tasted her lunch for the second time.

"Wait. I'm not done yet."

His cool, few words snapped up her attention again long enough for her to notice the same red-dotted bug crawl out of his opposite ear. Her body crashed down on the street and resounded with a loud thud.

There was a moment of silence as Shino waited for applause from the passed-out woman. He didn't understand why she didn't appreciate his little trick, when it dawned on him that maybe she thought he wasn't done.

There was a pause before he spoke.

"Ta da."

* * *

"I'm sorry we couldn't see you earlier Tenten, Tsunade has been out on... business. She says she'll be able to help with whatever the problem is tomorrow. But just so I can warn her in advance... what is the problem?" 

"Shizune-san! You've got to be kidding me!" Tenten shrilled incredulously, "Just look around you!"

Neji's fist came in from the right, but was quickly blocked by Lee's hands. There was a fast counter attack, as Lee pushed out his leg with a roundhouse kick towards Neji's face.

Hyuuga Neji wasn't called a genius for nothing however, and knew many times over that Rock Lee had plenty of pride in his kicks. Coupled with the fact that this exact exchange of attacks has happened over a thousand times before allowed the Hyuuga toddler to swiftly dodge the oncoming foot. That's when Neji saw his opening.

"Sixty Four Divine Strikes!" Neji assumed the by now famous attack position and leaped forward ready to completely disable Lee and his chakra. Fingers flew in left and right touching off "chakra pores" all over the little body in front of him. When it was said and done, Neji leaped back three feet to put distance between him and his opponent.

"Did you just poke me? It felt funny." There was a curiosity in Lee's voice.

"Damn, I don't have enough chakra to use my special move."

"NEJI! What did I tell you about cussing?!" Tenten's voice was motherly sounding as she walked over and slapped the Hyuuga on the wrist as punishment.

Lee pointed and laughed at the obviously perturbed boy beside him.

There was a sting Neji felt that was more than the result of being punished. Something about having it come from Tenten, or something about being humiliated and laughed at by Lee. Either way, it pissed off Hyuuga Neji, and Hyuuga Neji was not going to be out done.

So he kicked Lee in the shin.

Like a ton of bricks Lee was on the ground crying and screaming bloody murder.

"What just happened? What did you do to little Lee?"

That upset Neji too; the boy in green already had a cute nickname. Tenten had been calling the toddler taijutsu specialist "little Lee" ever since the transformation happened.

"Um nothing. He, uh, fell."

Losing all hope, Tenten turned back and pleaded with the Hokage's assistant. "Shizune-san, please help me! If this keeps up, I'll never want kids!"

* * *

**Added A.N.** Yes that's right, I've written yaoi in a scene where there is only one boy. How many people can proudly (and yet shamefully) tout the same accomplishment? Um so yea, beware of the next chapter, as I begin to tie all of these random threads together into something I like to call ... "a story".

* * *

Gaara, near on the verge of tears yells angrily. "MY MOTHER IS NOT A LITTER BOX! STOP LETTING AKAMARU PEE ON HER!"


	4. The Torches of Flamers Draw Near

"I love you, too."

Three simple words (four if you know how to count) that single handedly made this the best day of Rock Lee's life. Those words having been uttered from Sakura, the woman he adored, made it feel like the clouds in the sky were fading away, that he heavens were opening up, and that Kami-sama was giving him a shiny-toothed smile complete with a Gai styled thumbs up. Today, he wished, would never end.

The day had started out interestingly enough, what with being turned into and toddler and all, but when he was given to Sakura to baby-sit, Lee recognized it as fate. Lee had gotten the courage together to once again confess his love, and today his efforts paid off.

"Sakura... I... I..." He was speechless. But you knew that because of the whole dot dot dot things.

"You don't need to say anything Lee, I love you. I've always loved you. Like a brother."

It wasn't the addendum that Lee expected. Frankly he felt like he had been down-graded in the book that was Sakura's heart. But at least he was considered family. At least there was room in that novel called love. And hey, he was still a 'brother' type to her; crazier stories have been told about the illicit relationships between brother and sister when not related by blood, right?

"Well maybe not like a brother. More like, I love you like a cousin twice-removed."

Those words were daggers fit into his heart like how children put the square peg in a round hole. But he was still thought of as family. Isn't there always that family member that gets a little too touchy-feely when they have a little too much to drink? Lee already had a noted history of being bad with alcohol. He made a mental note to use it as an excuse in the future.

"Actually, I wouldn't even say that we're close enough to pretend to be family. Maybe I love you like a dear friend."

"With benefits?" he thought to himself.

"Now that I think about it, we don't really hang out. We don't even share common interests. Okay, I got it. I think I like you like an acquaintance."

"Still with benefits?" he continued hoping.

"Maybe I'm being too loose with my 'loves' and 'likes'..."

Lee wasn't the brightest ninja to grace to rank of genin in the village of Konoha, but at this moment his mind was going full speed, thinking of a way for him to still, somehow, some way, get some with Sakura.

"Alright Lee, bottom line. I can honestly say that I know you exist as a person..."

He wasn't even hearing her now. His two heads were taking a rare moment to work together, scheming of a way to be with Sakura, with great emphasis on the "be" if you know what I mean.

But what could he do? What could he use to get his way? Inside that simple mind of his, he remembered his pad of paper that he used to take notes with when Gai would give important ninja lessons. Stubby little fingers like sausages shot into his ammo pouch until he grabbed the pad. Flipping a couple pages, he found the information he was looking for. It was a simple list of items that Gai had him write down: Paralyzing poisons, chloroform, ropes, and rufinal.

Success, he thought to himself, but when could he use them. When?!

"...when no one else is around me."

There was a pause before Sakura and Lee smiled, both content with their final thoughts. Both of their smiles looked identical in nature, yet each of their smiles held a meaning that couldn't be more different.

* * *

"Whaaaaaaat I've doooooone! I'll face myself! To cross out-" Sasuke's singing of the popular new angst song came to an abrupt stop. Tiny wisps of snow stopped the self-loathing tune in his head as they floated down from the sky. Silently he cursed himself for not being prepared for the walk to the academy; the snow was definitely going to mess up his hair. 

In an unusual gesture, he forgave himself a tiny bit because there was little that could be done to protect his perfectly shaped 'do. Hats were out of the question, hoods were impossible, and the only umbrella he owned had pictures of Gravitation characters on it. It was certain to raise questions about his 'preferences' that he wasn't ready to deal with. No, Sasuke would have to protect his head the only way he knew how: run like hell.

Crunch, crunch, crunch.

Even his lightest footfalls were marked by the crushed snow under his stride. With speed like that of Rock Lee, Sasuke was running towards his destination. He activated his sharingan and used its unique abilities to literally dodge each falling flake.

Messy hair was no joking matter.

* * *

"I always wanted to write something meaningful. Something with some real substance..." 

The man standing in the center of the circle was a pitiful sight to say the least. His skinny frame seemed to be lost in the baggy, lived-in clothes that he wore. His sweaty palms were trembling slightly, gripped together as if he was hanging on to himself for dear life. His head was lowered and his eyes were glued to the ground as he continued talking.

"But the readers, they kept encouraging me to write AU high school yaoi poem fics. I... I don't get reviews otherwise..."

His lips quivered as he struggled to keep his voice from cracking.

"As you know, I wrote a story about... about..." His voice was wracked that his words fell between loud sobs, "Kaoru and Hikaru..."

The meeting organizer stood up and took a step closer to the grieving man and placed a comforting arm across his shaking shoulders. There was a sense of understanding in his touch. There was a sense of empathy. The crying man was among friends here; he was among colleagues and respected others who knew exactly how deep the pain was.

"Everyone, let's thank Thomas for sharing himself with us." The meeting organizer said.

The large gym echoed with solemn gratitude of everyone assembled. "Thank you, Thomas."

The leader of the gathering surveyed the room and gave a bittersweet smile to the assembly. He had the demeanor of Santa; he was caring, oh so very caring of everyone. But he was more like a balding Santa that might have worked at a strip mall. Like a really cheap strip mall Santa that had to use a Polaroid camera to take pictures with children. But he cared.

"I look around this room, and I see a lot of courage." said balding cheap strip mall Santa, "And that gives me strength. We give each other strength."

In the background the man named Thomas was being led off to a distant corner, crying all the while. After a moment he shouted in self-disgust, "They're twins! Oh God, how could I?! How could I?"

"It's time for the one-on-ones."

Tsunade looked around the room to see who she would be hugging tonight. As usual, sitting across from her was the quiet man with a name tag that read Cornelius. Tsunade figured he'd be a good partner since she really didn't know anything about the man, and even though she was well known as the Hokage, it was a sense of reverse anonymity that allowed her to really open herself up.

This was "Pens for Freedom: A Writer's Support Group," and it was how she spent her Wednesday nights. Tsunade had become addicted.

* * *

Crunch, crunch, crunch. 

The snow was falling heavier now, and with the sun almost completely hidden in the horizon, the flakes were getting harder to see. Sasuke continued to make his way through the weather to the school, and was now forced to use all of his concentration to keep his hair from the dangers of precipitation. All was going well until he noticed three shadowy figures in the distance standing in-between him and his destination.

The Konohamaru Corps stood defiant with stacks upon stacks of snowballs at their ready, and they had just spied their target.

"Uchiha Sasukse!" Konohamaru cried out. "You have come to meet your demise."

Sasuke stood silently waited for more taunts to come. This is due to Battle Rule #7: "Taunts will always precede epic fights."

"We've been given a mission to put you on _ice_."

Snickers from Konohamaru's cronies could be heard on either side of him as the little boy flicked a snowball up into the air repeatedly. A chilled wind swept through the street as Sasuke stared into the eyes of the little boy. What the Sharingan-user saw staring back at him put fear in his heart. The evil. Pure evil in their eyes was awesome. He decided to go all out to beat the crap out of these little kids.

To be continued...

* * *

**Disclaimer**: I'm making fun of bad plots. If you're guilty of this crime, I'm not sorry for making fun of you. 

**Added Disclaimer**: Welcome to the N.H.K. is a horrible anime. I wasted hours of my life on it. Viewer discretion is advised.

**Final Added Disclaimer**: I don't own Naruto.

**A.N.** Sorry it took me so long to get another chapter out. I kind of freaked out and forgot what 'funny' actually was. You know how art mimics life mimics art? And then Life becomes art and all that stuff. I was also worried that if I made fun of crappy writing too long that I'd become a crappy writer. Scary.


	5. Fluff, The Diabetic's Nightmate

**Disclaimer:** Nutritional Facts Serv size: 1 chapter - Calories: 180 - Total Fat: 2g (3 percent DV) - Sugar:180g (80 percent DV)

**Author's note:** I dedicate this story to swartzvald, who eloquently showed me the error of my ways when I tried to keep my other fic in character while at the same time adding in a well needed break from the ultra serious plot. I called it fluff, but apparently it wasn't 'fluffy enough' for the tastes of some. That all fine and dandy to me. I was happy with the direction my other story is heading, but now I feel like I have a challenge in front of me: "Can I write fluff? Do I know what fluff is?"

So let me say this; if this isn't fluff then I dont know what is.

And may you all drown in it.

* * *

"I'm cold."

Nara Shikamaru lay spread-eagle on the slope of the hill covered in snow. He'd been there for over thirty minutes now, but this was the first thing he'd said. Yamanaka Ino, who laid with her head on his chest turned her head to the side to look up to his face. With her ear now pressed against him, she could hear the stead rhythm of his life. The constant gentle thumping sound allowed to her to know this wasn't a dream, or rather that it was a dream come true.

"We can go inside if you like. We've been out here for a while. Actually I wouldn't mind going inside and getting some warm tea and -"

"We can't watch clouds from inside the house," he cut in abruptly.

Ino chuckled to herself. He was so stubborn when it came to being lazy. Of course, she thought, clouds can be watched from inside the house, but she also knew that you couldn't get the same view of an open sky like you could here.

"Maybe we can stay for a little while longer then," she conceded.

Ino rolled over from her back to her side so that she could easily gaze into her boyfriend's eyes, watching them watching lazy rolling clouds. She noted how Shikamaru's eyes would track a cloud for a while before turning back to the direction the wind was coming from. How he could keep an interest on following certain clouds over others when the sky was completely overcast was beyond her. She wondered what it was exactly that he was looking at in those clouds. Was it the silver lining? Was it a funny shape? A large size? Whatever it was, Ino couldn't tell.

Ino pulled her hands together towards her face to blow hot air against them. She winced for a moment when she noticed that the cold temperature had withdrawn some color from her hands, but the thought was easily shrugged off. It was easy to endure the snowy day when she was with the person her heart burned for. After warming up her slender fingers, she played with them coyly against his chest, dancing them to and fro.

"There!"

Her attention was redirected away from her hands and back to his face. She waited for a moment watching as Shikamaru squinted for a second and then smile one of the widest smiles she'd ever seen.

"'There' what?" She looked back up to the sky to see if she could find what it was he found. To Ino, it was just the grey roof of the earth passing by dropping little flakes of snow to distract her focus.

Shikamaru sat up without notice, but gently enough to not throw Ino off. As he moved, he grabbed her playful fingers and helped her see what he'd spotted. With his hand guiding hers, they together pointed up and to the west. It was then that Ino could make out a smallish cloud that hung lower than the ones around it. It was, to her disbelief, a perfect heart shape.

"There," Shikamaru referenced the cloud he'd found. "That's the cloud I want you to see."

Ino giggled. How convenient. After promising to date him if he gave up the nasty habit of smoking, (and possible side stepping a developing pyromaniacal addiction) Ino found it amusing that today was the day she finally went cloud watching with him, and that today is the day that he points out a 'heart'. Though Ino was a girl and loved sentimental things she wasn't a fool. She knew that Shikamaru had been watching clouds for years, surely this wasn't anything too special. Heart-shaped clouds were probably common place for anyone who looked up as much as Shikamaru did.

"Have you been waiting for that cloud a long time?" she innocently mocked him with a smile.

"I've been waiting for that cloud for thirteen years."

The serious tones of his words drew her attention, and it was then that she realized that he was looking directly at her. The heavens were filled with the clouds that Shikamaru loved so much, it was the only hobby he had, and yet, right now, Ino realized that Shikamaru couldn't take his eyes off of her. His intense gaze brought all of the blood that had retreated from the cold rushing to her face.

"For thirteen years, ever since the day I was born, I've been waiting for a sign in the heaven so I could show you and confess my feelings for you." Shikamaru's eyes looked away to the ground in a moment of shyness before continuing. "I always thought I would find the cloud, and I'd tell you that I love you before we started dating. But I guess -"

"Tell me now," Ino cut in.

Ino was on the verge of stealing their first kiss. She was feeling impatient for this dumb genius to muster the courage to make the first move, and it was almost killing her having to wait. Instinctively, she bit her bottom lip in order to hold it back. Of course, Ino realized that everyone thought of her as pushy, maybe even overbearing at times; it wouldn't be a shock to anyone if people found out that she'd been the one to instigate a kiss, but she was also a girl damnit. Waiting for a perfect moment had it's rewards too.

"Tell you what now?"

Ino didn't know what was going to happen first: would her slow-minded boyfriend quickly figure out how to keep a romantic moment going, or would he die? It was a coin toss really. She prayed not to have to spell it out further, and was grateful when she saw the spark of recognition to her meaning in his eyes.

"Yamanaka Ino. I know this might seem odd, because I've never really shown it. And I know we've been teammates for some time now, and you might be thinking, 'why hasn't he told me before?' and stuff like that but..."

If Ino bit her lower lip any harder, she knew she'd draw blood. He mind was running around in a very small loop shouting for Shikamaru to hurry up, and JUST. SAY. THE. WORD.

"I love you. I've always loved you."

Not half a second later Ino pushed Shikamaru back onto the ground with their lips pressed so tightly together that one would think they were fused. Ino's brain was reeling in thoughts of utter, profound joy and happiness. She thought to herself, "So what if I initiated the couples first kiss, people wouldn't expect Shikamaru to have the guts to do it anyways." It was a thought that almost made her smile in the middle of their passionate kiss.

When they finally parted, Ino felt disoriented. Time was meaningless to her. It could have stopped for the kiss, or all of time could have passed them by; either option was irrelevant now.

Being only inches apart, she couldn't help but stare directly into his eyes and smile. This was going to be the start of a very, very happy life. What happened next was anyone's guess but Ino was ready for whatever was going to come, because she knew that she was going to face it with Shikamaru, the love of her life.

Whoever started laughing first at the entire situation, Ino couldn't tell, she was just lost in the moment, a moment she hoped would last forever.

"Okay, well my butt's wet from the snow, let's go inside."

And then the honeymoon was over.

* * *

**Added Disclaimer:** I don't own these characters.

* * *

Percent Daily Values (DV) are based on a 2,000 calorie diet.


	6. I'm sorry Mr Crichton, my XBeta Reader

"KAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-"

Each of the snow flakes that had fallen on his raven hair enraged Sasuke. Each wet hair fell from its perfectly hair-sprayed perch down into his face, covering the swirls of red in each of his sharingan activated eyes. Do you remember how in the movie "Spiderman 3: Revenge of the Suck" how Peter Parker got all angsty? It's kind of like that but take that and multiply it by murdered parents and a shopping spree at Hot Topic.

"I've seen this before on TV," Konohamaru told his henchmen, "we don't have anything to worry about. He's going to be powering up for at least two more episodes. Let's get him!"

Konohamaru lead the two other boys racing down the street, weapons of snowballs colored with permanent dye, and hair clippers.

"-MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-"

The young boys closed in on their prey, jumping to close the distance of the last 10 feet, ready to wreak havoc on a scale that would knock Sasuke from bishounen platform down into the depths of disregard. The buzz of the electric clipper clicked on in Konohamaru's outstretched hand while two red snowballs whistled through the air, each expertly aimed at his eyebrows.

Time slowed to the point where it seemed like nothing was happening. In the stillness Sasuke could see with sickening detail the evil in these young boy's eyes, but something was blocking his sight. He thick locks of black hair was beginning to completely cover his eyes in a hair style similar to the "emover," and for an unexplainable second his angsty angst was replaced by a complete sense of apathy.

* * *

Somewhere across the village Gaara feels the sharp sense of his unique character definition being challenged before the pain fades away.

* * *

"-HAMEHA!"

"Hey! That's cheating! You can't finish that fast! You still need to yell mor-" cried out a panicked Konohamaru before Sasuke's fist slammed against the boy's jaw.

Sasuke made fast work of the other two, kicking them while in mid-air through the windows of adjacent buildings. For a second he listened for the sounds of the other boys getting up and continuing the fight, but the groaning and crying let him know that they weren't going to be coming back for more. Konohamaru was crumpled in the fetal position wailing away. He'd just learned the painful difference between the strength of an eight year old and a thirteen year old.

Sasuke reached down and grabbed the boy by the collar of his shirt before beginning his interrogation.

"Why did you attack me?!"

"We, we, we were told to," came the weak response complete with sniffle induced stuttering."

"You, you, you were told to?! By who?" impatiently mocked Sasuke.

"I don't know who she is really. I haven't seen her before today."

Unsatisfied with the answer Sasuke flipped Konohamaru over onto his stomach and clenched a fistful of hair before grinding his face into the snow. After a few seconds of muffled yells of pain and cold, Sasuke lifted the severely reddened face from the ground

"TELL ME!"

"I don't know!" shrieked Konohamaru.

Again the young boy was forced to face dive into the white wash, only this time the rubbing was harder and lasted longer.

"TELL ME WHO SENT YOU!!!"

By now, not only was Sasuke's hair completely in a floppy disarray, but he was becoming chilled to the bone. Little piles of snow has already begun to collect on his head and shoulders; the flakes that didn't immediately melt in his hair could be confused as huge chunky dandruff to a passerby, a thought Sasuke didn't want to even think about.

But he did.

I know he did because I just wrote that he didn't want to think about it because he was thinking about it and then he thought how he wanted to not think about it. Don't get confused.

"It was a girl!" Konhamaru's words were being broken up by sobs. "It was a girl with blonde hair! She said she wanted revenge!"

Sasuke dropped the boy to the ground with a small thud. He had to digest this information. "A blonde-haired girl that Konohamaru didn't know that wanted revenge?" He needed time to think. He needed time to contemplate. He needed time to get out of the snowfall and fix his hair. But that would all come in due course. There was one last thing he needed to do, and with his eyes redirected to the boy beneath him Sasuke set about his task.

"No... You wouldn't, no! No! NOOOOOOO!!!"

Konohamaru's screams would be heard across the village that day. A resounding scream that no one could deny they heard it. A scream no one cared about because no one cares about Konohamaru.

* * *

Standing high up on a mountain that overlooks the village of Konoha, a mysterious figure envisions the future destruction almost as clearly as she sees the reality below her. Her long, blonde hair whips about in the wind, sometimes flying in her face. And though she's frigidly cold, and her hair is tickling her nose, she maintains the pose to seem undaunted by small inconveniences like her need of a bathroom break for the last half hour. Because now, the story is talking about her. And she doesn't want to waste this moment in the spotlight by doing something trivial. Doing something meaningless would take away from the mystery of who she is.

No, she tells herself, there will be other times to pee.

* * *

"Okay, you're going to have to run this by one more time. Tell us again what you want to do."

The village elders sat back in their chairs, a physical sign of their skepticism. For the last half hour Chouji had been trying to sell his idea of way to bring a little fun into the villagers' lives, and maybe bring in a little cash into his wallet. What people seldom think about is the ever increasing price of food versus the ever stagnant and dismal salary that ninja, aka government employees, get. All of this is withstanding the cost of health insurance coverage for an entire family of ninja.

What's most people fail to understand is that Choji is more than an eating machine, he's also the shrewdest money maker in all of Konoha.

"It's very simple. For the upcoming holiday, I want to have a festival where all the ninja of the village do a play about a high school drama. The plot of high school drama will be a cooking competition followed by a hot springs resort. Like I said, this is guaranteed to be a hit because of all the TV shows that I watch and stories that I read, these things happen all the time." Couji says all this while talking with large motions with his arms and hands to help the elder's visualize the concept.

"A hot springs resort on a play set could be a little expensive, I'm not sure the village could foot that bill..."

"That's perfectly fine; I have a back up plan. How about instead of winning the prize of going to the hot springs, we all get dirty from a food fight and decide as a class to go to a public bath." To the keen reader, you'll notice how food has never left the conversation. No Shouji would definitely get his cake and eat it too; money and free food, it's all that matters.

"And you're saying that people will watch the play if we do that?"

"I promise."

"Okay, I'm starting to like it. Now what are you going to call the play?"

"Are you ready for this?" Kouji puts his hands up and the air and squints his eyes, as if he were holding the title of the play but that the font size was really really small. "I call it, 'Anime.'"

It's a couple of moments before the room breaks out in applause, a sound that is music to Jichou's ears. A sound that reminds him of a register popping open. Cha-ching!

* * *

**A.N.:** Thank you guys who are still to this day leaving reviews, it means a lot to me, especially to the people who leave reviews and critics for the multiple chapters that I have. I'd like to tip my hat towards Kendii who gave a suggestion that I was able to include in this chapter: authors who can't spell their own character's names. It is defiantely something that needs to be addressed. Now every chapter I write I tell you guys I don't own Naruto... this time I'm going to tell you what I do own to switch this into a positive note.

**Author's Disclaimer: **I own a car.

* * *

Somewhere in the village Shikamaru and Ino steal a gratuitous kiss, after which they hug and share happy joy-joy feelings which makes angst fans want to hurl.


End file.
